it's been too long

Haven't blogspotted in over two months.

Mainly because I jumped on the twitter bandwagon.

But some pretty sweet things happened tonight that I need to document and 140 characters just won't cut it.

Tonight I had some amazing spiritual discussions with Mark and Patrick that I've never had before.

My eyes have definitely been opened.

And I'd like to keep it up.

Patrick prayed over me, and that's never happened to me outside of a church.

At church, I never could feel that peace while I was being prayed over because it was something being done to everyone around me..

But for the first time, someone actually picked me individually and said,

"I really feel a strong urge to pray over you. I have so much built up in me right now and it's all directed towards you. Do you mind if I proceed to do so?"

As awkward as that would have made me feel any other time or place or with another person, at that moment I felt like something in my body and soul was aching for it.

Because as he proceeded, I was at so much peace from then on.

And I still feel that.

I'm not quite sure what happened, but it felt good.

Before tonight, I've had such an opposed outlook on having anymore people enter my life.

But I feel like Patrick is someone I need to have around more.

All of the negative thoughts left my mind being around him.

Wow, I feel great.

I love you all.

Goodnighhttttt.

show me something real.

show me some fucking heart.

is this even a relationship?

I miss my dad more than usual lately.

I mean, obviously I always miss him.

But I go through my periods where I think about him more often than I'd like to.

I guess it's mainly when I've got something big going on in my life,

and then I think to myself how much I know he'd love to be there for it.

I know he'd LOVE Josh.

He'd be so stoked on me getting my dream job at MAC.

Plus whenever there's a holiday it just sinks in.

At Thanksgiving, Christmas, and I just had my 20th birthday.

I just can't believe I have so many more big events to come in my life, and he won't be there for any of them.

Life is so so unfair.

I wonder when I'll be enough for an individual.

It seems that in most of my relationships,

whether it be a friendship or something more,

I'm never enough.

Obviously as humans have more than one person in our life that we feel to be necessary.

But I'm constantly in competition with those that are out of reach.

The ones that don't care as much as I do, or live in another state, ect ect ect.

I just can't wait for someone that gets stoked on the sole fact that I love them ridiculously and would do anything for them.

Instead of constantly looking for the affection of someone else.

tiny dancer.

The smell of news papers reminds me of my dad, don't ask why.
I couldn't tell you myself, I don't even know.

For this reason, I've developed a love/hate relationship with them.

Tullahoma, TN tonight with Cortney.
Don't give a damn about where we're going.
Just glad to be getting some time with her, away from Huntsville.

By the way, I love you Joshua.
Quit being sick.
Come see me next weekend.

jinx removing.

You make me so happy.

I have so much confidence in us and want to put all the bad things that happened in the past.

The only effect it should have on our future is the lessons learned from the mistakes.

You are everything I could have ever hoped for.

I love you so much.

"I love you more than I ever loved anyone before,

or anyone to come.

Someone said your name,

I thought of you alone."

I love this.

All I know is that you're so nice.

You're the nicest thing I've seen.

I wish that we could give it a go.

See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl.

I wish you thought I was the reason you were in the world.

I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile.

I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out.

But you always wanted to know what I was about.

I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset.

I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot, that you loved secretly.

Cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.

Basically, I wish that you loved me.

I wish that you needed me.

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break.

I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.

I wish that without me you couldn't eat.

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.

And I wish we could see if we could be something.

Yeah I wish we could see if we could be something.

I lost it all.

I feel such a heaviness on my heart and stomach.

Constantly I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I've tried so hard to shake it, but I can't.

I'm trying to get comfortable, but I'm always walking on eggshells.

I want things to go back to how they used to be.

If only it were so easy.

Hopefully things will go the way people say..

"it will make you stronger."

You've surfaced so much unnecessary complication.

you were the last good thing I ever saw.

What do you want out of us?

Don't come back into my life if you aren't going to try harder.